Change...

Since the last time I spoke to you things were very different, I was living at my grandparents in Chester and I went home for the weekend before Brighton to see my parents and just as I was about to go back to Chester I got a phone call from Birmingham Hospital saying they wanted me to come in immediately to run some tests to see whether it was possible that my liver was the cause of me feeling unwell.

It's been a few months since then but I was in hospital for about a month and I had all kind of tests, painful ones and not so painful ones. I was going nuts without internet and I was fed up of being stuck in there day after day. The conclusion we came to, well the doctors, was that I needed a liver transplant and that without it I would slowly deteriorate.

All of this broke me, I went into panic mode and I think I still am in panic mode, I am always worrying about the phone calling and wondering if that will be the call telling me it's my turn for my transplant. I have a packed suitcase under my bed ready to go for when that call does come but till then all I can do is sit and wait, oh and worry... A LOT! I often have nightmares about the operation and I wake up in floods of tears and then there are days when I just can't fall asleep.

My health at the moment is very poor, I spend most days in bed and I think most people don't quite understand how bad I really am. Let me try and paint a picture for you. I find going downstairs ok, going upstairs and I need a five minute sit down. I can't put my own socks on, I can't get out the bath myself, I can't cook my own food, the list goes on...

Anyway hopefully I can blog fairly decently from my bed.

 So from my bed to you, bye bye

V xxx

PS. I'm back at home in Herefordshire with my parents

Moving On and Up

I feel like I am finally getting somewhere and I'm taking everything day by day, tackling things one problem at a time.

This week I feel I have made a few breakthroughs regarding my anxiety and depression, I have a lot of anxiety about the future and what it holds for me. I think it's only natural for me to worry seen as though I struggle with day to day life and I worry about what I will end up studying and how I will find a job to suit me. I get anxious about loads of other things which I'm sure you'll find out with time, but when it all piles up it gets on top of me and I start feeling down and upset.

My parents are so understanding and I'm very lucky to have such great support from them, but both work long hours and aren't at home very often and I got into the routine of being very down and lonely when left alone. I would just lie in bed all day or I'd be on my laptop and if I wasn't doing that then I was fast asleep just letting days pass by. I started feeling lazy but I felt stuck and I couldn't snap out of the routine I'd gotten into. I'd get angry with myself for not doing anything, I was basically stuck in a vicious circle.

After staying in Chester with my grandparents for a brief period I knew I didn't want to go back to being like that and have decided to stay with them during the week and most weekends. I like waking up and not feeling like I have nothing to do, we go out most days, and that alone gives me the motivation to get up and dressed and do my make-up. I finally feel like I am being productive and that my days aren't just going to waste.

I also finally had the courage to start my blog and keep at it, I'd been considering it for a while but I lacked the motivation. I have been working so hard to try and make it as professional as possible. So, if you have any feedback for me or any advice then please comment below.

Just got to keep smiling